I’m the type of person that can watch a film, read a book, or listen to a piece of music, and be consumed by a single line or lyric for months, years, my whole life.
I really like the singer NIKI. I love her album Nicole, which has been a constant in my On Repeat since it was released last year.
Currently, Facebook Friends is high on my listens. A song detailing the aftermath of an ended relationship, where the singer misses their ex but now can only stay in touch through social media.
But the following lines don’t make me think of a lost romantic relationship. They make me think of my two grandmothers.
I wish we met nowOh, I wish you met this me I’m pretty sure I know what peace means now
My first Nan passed away when I was 9. It was the first death in the family I ever experienced, which compared to others is late and to others is early in life. Looking back it affected me deeply. It was the first time I was thinking about death frequently (it was here I was waking up in the middle of the night telling my parents that I was going to die one day) and I couldn’t comprehend how I would never get to see her again.
She loved creating things with her hands like stitching, sewing, baking. I don’t know whether she owned these or it’s false memories because I associate her with the smell of L’Oreal lipstick (I brought one back in 2014 and quickly learnt it was not my shade, but I have kept it because I like the smell) and Sudocrem. She would wait for my sister and I to walk round to her house and help her, before decorating her Christmas tree. Her fingers were always cold, which I think was her being older but also her fingers were always really slim. She loved dogs. She liked brushing my hair and taught me to brush it at the bottom first, to help get the knots out. I was her eldest grandchild.
For my other Nan was I her 8th grandchild of 10, so she was an ultimate Nan by the time I got my turn. She loved animals, nature, and music. Took us to the zoo 5 times a year, where she’d give the keepers bags of fruit for the elephants and told people off for feeding the monkeys. She always wore a cross necklace. She use to sing all the time and had a huge laugh. She got us fancy chocolate from M&S, which she stored in her Winnie the Pooh sweetie jar. Her house smelt of peach barley squash and she gave the warmest hugs.
My second Nan passed away when I was 17, but due to the Alzheimer’s I really lost her at 14. Both Nan’s gone once I got into my teenage years. I wrote about my Nan and my obsession with lists before. It’s a recurring thought in my head. I’m double that age now. Soon I’ll be 29.
So when I hear ‘I wish you met this me’, I think of my Nan’s knowing this me. Not the one I was when I was 9 or 14.
The girl who: is getting back into reading again. Is content with her body shape, most of the time. Is fascinated by this golden age of television we’re living in. Loves to drive. Doesn’t wear make-up as often as she thought she would have when she was a little girl. Is trying to live more eco-consciously. Likes to talk, a lot and never leaves people out of conversations. Is still in love with the movies. Tries to educate herself in being a better ally. Doesn’t do gymnastics anymore, but has found enjoyment in moving her body in other ways. Bought a house and is turning it into a home. Still eats cheese in all forms. Has recently started listening to more country music! Is passionate about pop culture and spends too much time on social media. Is planning her wedding to the love of her life. Has a favourite country to visit (Italy). Has a blog where she writes about stuff in her mind, like missing her Nan’s.
Who I’ll be in 20 years will be different to who I am now and no doubt I’ll be missing my Nan’s then too. Currently though, I’m sad at the that my Nan’s never got to meet the current me. 2023 me. I’m doing ok, great actually. I wish they knew me now, given what I’ve learnt and experienced through life.
Would they enjoy me sending them funny videos or would I have to explain them in detail? Would they have been quick to learn how to use smartphones in general, or avoided them? Would they have got Facebook!? Would my Nan still enjoy going to the zoo? Or my other Nan still bake? Would she have got an air fryer!? I don’t know, but I wish I did.