And I know it’s sad, but this is what I think about
And I wake up in the middle of the night
It’s like I can feel time moving
How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?
And will you still want me when I’m nothing new?
At university, lecturers told us time will move fast once we graduate. That the time we were in at that very moment, was it. Teachers said it at school too. The time before you’re an adult is special. Both times I never believed them.
It may be living through a global pandemic, but the time jump in the last few years to now has felt huge. Everything seems more intense. People are getting married, having babies, buying houses. This isn’t a blog about comparison because I’m not about that (I have, after years of internal battles, become comfortable knowing that social media is only 5% of someone’s life and everyone is on different timelines). It’s the fact I didn’t know I was at that age all of a sudden.
The last time I blinked I was studying at university. Simultaneously worrying about my upcoming essay and what drink should I buy for Friday nights out. Falling in love. Having the most fun with my best friend.
9 years later I have lists of films and TV shows to watch, books to read, places to go, once I’m older and settled. But that’s now.
Does this feeling continue forever?
This year I’ve made more effort to make time for the stuff ‘being saved’. I wear my perfumes instead of waiting for special occasions. Wear the clothes that seem too nice for doing nothing. Try not to worry about money. Mean it every time I say ‘I love you’. Each day through the news, or stories from family and friends, I’m reminded that life is precious so I’m trying to live it more.
Yet I can’t stop thinking about the past. I think I’ll always be thinking of the past.
Photo memories on the iPhone is the best and worst invention. I love photo memories (I’ve written about my obsession with memory before) to look back at happy moments, yet it makes me sad because it feels like it just happened, even if it was years ago. I wish time would pause.
I’m not sure if it was triggered by the pandemic, maybe more time in my head, or what, but sine 2020 I’ve been thinking about my teenage years frequently and I’m not sure why.
I remember blogging about nostalgia on Tumblr when I was 16 and now I’m blogging about nostalgia at 28 for my late teen years. Will I be longing for this current period of my twenties when I am 38 too?
I wake up in the middle of the nightAnd I can feel time moving